Ramblings of Nonsense

I'm feeling this: rejuvenated
ready to jam?: blink 182- Stockholm Syndrome

thats basically how i've been feeling lately. hah-- karina's sleep over. Dianne is the photographer =)

So I survived the whole stresss week = finals week. It wasnt too bad actually.
New semester, and I'm thinking I'm doing a lot better, not that I was doing bad at school but simply because it's a fresh new start and I plan to keep it going good.
I've finally done some writing with poetry, and it's made me feel a lot better. Writers block was really terrrrrrible. I'm going to enter this Dead Poet's Society contest. Poems are due by Feb. 7th. I'm still figuring out which poem I want to put in. I think next year I'm joining Dead Poets Society, it really seems like something I'm interested in.
I'm also joining badminton. yes, that plus [ i think ] I want to be a manager for boys volleyball, along with working long hours with the play Dracula. Won't I have a hectic end of year. I'll have to learn to juggle all these things, but I find it pleasing, because I won't be sitting around on my ass and it takes away a lot of the negativity that's been going on in my mind.
I've really lost a lot of hopes during the beginning of the year. The only thing I have left on my "to do list" "note to self" "goals" and what not.. the whole 'new year's lists in my mind' thing--- my license. ONLY ONLY ONLY THING IM LOOKING FORWARD. first things first though.. my 16th birthday I can't get my license without that happening. yeahhh.. lots of stuff is gone, I dont have any expectations.

With friend outtings----- we've had movie nights-- Rodeo's house.. Karina's birthday- sleep over, finallllly went to Jane's brand new house-- it's amazing - the movie Sleepover is inspiring us with ideas at Jane's sleep over during spring break. Lots of girl talks, and more movie watching... @ karina's we watched atleast 9 movies in less than 2 days, can you imagine that? hah. I also cut Jane's hair which was exciting.

Anyways, besides the 'hectic' life, I've managed to still stay pretty sane, even with this emotional sadness. I HATE IT MAAANNN. lamme lame lame. With driving, I can basically getaway physically, instead of always mentallly.  The show on mtv, My Super Sweet 16, makes me excited for my birthday. Some of those girls on there seem really annoying, and give out the real definition of SPOILED BRATS.

okay, I feel worn out for tonight, I had a louzy sleep last night.

goodnight baby

I'm through with huffering and puffering. HAPPINESS. I have to find it And be successfull and achieve it. Because a brief feeling of it is not merely enough to fulfill my soul. what's with perfection? whats with these people who are so called 'perfect' in our eyes? I envy those who truly come close to having a perfect life & love & family & friends. seriously. I do.

Good times and Bad times. Then there's, Drastic times that call for drastic measures. okay, so I don't know what I'm talking about.

Sometimes I think, people live their entire life, always seeking for happiness, when happiness isn't something you can grasp. Everyone looks for it, and it's funny how people say, they're happy and they have happiness and blah blah, but seriously, you don't. You're just feeling happy, your mood is happy, and well, what can I say, that's good. It's great to feel happy. It's just sad to know that with others, happiness doesn't seem as full as it's suppose to feel. Its just a short feeling, and then you seek for another thing. When the thing is, that, you just have to find material or non material things that make you happy. That brings joy to yourself, and I guess that's what people mean when they say they're gonna search for happiness, because they can't quite take hold of something that HONESTLY brings them joy. And when you finally reach the peak of this feeling, I can bet you'd say something like "So this is what people search for." It's different for other people, but sometimes how you put it, it's like, there's only one thing that leads to happiness, but no, it's not, its YOUR own happiness, and you gotta find it YOUR own way.

You're not suppose to talk about yourself because you'd end up being conceided, well duh, then again there's nothing wrong with talking about your life. There's nothing wrong with taking charge of someone else who's trying to run YOUR life as well. because well it's YOURS, it's all ABOUT YOU. There's the boundary of taking over and there's one of HELPING. Those who tell you the right thing to do, tell you your wrongs, how you act, how you're being stupid, if you're being an asshole, a jerk, a bitch.. et cetera. yeah, those are people you want butt-ing in your your life, because they're the one who's helping you sort out yourself, and be better, sometimes perspective from other people is better than just yourself, because others see you in a way that YOU don't. There's nothing wrong with someone telling you what to do in a good way, yeah sure, with certain people it gets annoying, but you have to atleast take it into consideration, whether to listen and follow it or not.

Anyways, what I'm saying is. Leave it to yourself to find you, not other people, don't seek other people's help for things only YOU know. and don't let yourself be undecisive. Don't let people decide for you, you know what you want, to get out there and JUST FUCKING DO IT. ask for help, ask for advice, ask for anything, but don't ask someone else to live your life for you.

Can you believe this all comes from me wanting to help a friend of mine who's screwed up her life, practically for good, and will need to take a lot of damn time just to bring things back to normal. That would be a lot of time wasted. I want to bitch slap her back to normal and then bitch slap her again just to gain some common sense into her. Someone needs to tame her and get her down fucking straight and shit. And I'm soo ready to do that. I want to help her badly, very badly, just because, I'm her friend, and it's sad that I just can't be part of her right now.

i sound stupid with nonsense. yeah
so go on, beat it. outta here. skidaddle. GO HOME.

ps. I need a relationship and I want THAT relationship. I  need some damn love. can you tell that I do?

I'm feeling this: cranky
ready to jam?: Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne

First week of school after vacation, was a snap. NO, not exactly. but twas not bad. It's basically been nothing but long, hard and tiring days. And drags throughout 5pm, because of Dracula rehearsals, which has been pretty good. I'm just pooped when I get home, and want to sleep and forget I have homework. Saw Bradley a couple times this week &then there was bullshit. What has 2005 been filled with so far.. nothing I really want, I'm waiting for these good times to start rolling.

Anyways.. whats the change with me? how about.. a whole lot of nothing? YEAH, NOTHING, NADA, ZIP, ZILCH.. hell, I don't even know when acutal "CHANGE" will start taking place. But hey, I'm trying, I'm figuring things out, slowly, and painfully, but I'm getting there, I think. Don't you hate when parents get on your case? Like they swear they know everything, and swear that what they think is right for you, is right. They want you to be happy, and that's a good thing, but then again, you're the only person who knows what you, yourself, wants to be happy. you know what you need and what keeps you satisfied. So why can't parents help without having to butt-in what THEY want into what YOU REALLY WANT. Basically, they want you happy their way, and that's just a whole bunch of BS. but if they did want you happy, they wouldn't be assholes about things you want to do, where you want to go, who you want to go with. GAAAY GAAY GAAY. ANND THEN, it's not like they'll know every single friend you have to hang out with. LOTS & LOTS of Bullshit. geeez, parents should get over THEMSELVES, and listen to their kids dammit. AND then, they take the "TALKING - BACK" thing, to THEIR advantage. Plenty of times you're just trying to speak your mind, and they put it in their way of "talking back" well that's plain stupid, just because you're older, doesn't exactly mean wiser, AND definitely doesn't mean people younger don't have opinions, and they put to their stupid advantage and turn our opinions into "talking back" YET ANOTHER DEMONSTRATION OF PARENT BULLSHIT. yeah, i've had up to HERE, with parental bullshit. This is why driving is my ticket outta here. my fucking getaway.

Feb. 13th, MY SWEET SIXTEEN = MY FUCKING LICENSE. please.
{{ REMEBER THAT DATE. KEEP IT IN MIND. MARK IT ON YOUR CALENDAR BIIIITCH. }}

Back to school.... weather explains the days as well. Rain is lovely, yet I despise it at times. Makes the gloomy feeling stay, but thats alright. I also hate the feeling of freezing, when your body tenses up, and then you just gotta relax your muscles. Yesterday afternoon, me and my mom took apart that blasted christmas tree. Lights are confusing, and I kept getting tangled in them. And then taking the actual tree branch by branch hurt a lot. The leaves & shit kept poking my hands. Last night, watched White Noise - Di, DJ, and Brad. We heard it sucked, we decided to see for ourselves. I expected it to be scarier. but then again, I admit, some parts were freaky. Last night I got paranoid, and ended up talking to DJ and Ring until about 4am, crazzy, I had my lights on and my tv, and yeah, I was still terrified of sleeping, I don't know, you tell me. Overall, the movie was alright.

Reading to catch up on, memorizing lines, & homework. oh, and i must remember to bring my alg2 book for Chim.. gawd, I can't fucking believe Raymond would just leave his book, I sought him to be more responsible, and ACTUALLY HAND TO CHIM HIS BOOK, and NOT be stupid.

good afternoon &then good night.

I'm feeling this: content

what a way to start off the new year right? with friends & of course family.

a lot has happened. too much to even go into detail. Another eventful year as I'd say.

winter break was pretty good actually. Christmas was nice. Went to my aunties house, did last minute baking. Saw my cousins, took pictures, it was a lot of fun. This year, I didn't really want anything inparticular. Or maybe just nothing material. But I got a lot of clothes and money. which is good too. Last 2 weeks. Had a movie night. Went shopping, a time well spent with my other half, Nina =) Also hung out with Mark.. and later that night at Nina's, got picked up by Bradley and then HE bought ME a caramel frap, and he got some MickyD's. I ate half of his double cheeseburger, it was fun =) I went out driving a lot, which is good. My old friend Jeff C. had a BDay party and I haven't seen him in a HOT ONE. So, I picked up Jobeth and we went to his house. Had our old friends from Bethune, which was a lot of funn. As you can seee above, most of us were friends since elementary years. teehee, cute huh? Anywhooo. It was fun. Mark came, played poker, and won some money, know why? Cause I'm a lucky-ass-bitchhh HAHA. New Years. I went to my cousins house. Then came back home before it stroke midnight. FOR New Years, we went to the Auto Show, it was funn. Then today we watched Meet The Fockers. Goooooood movie, made me laugh.

2005. A lot of change, for the better. New Years Resolution, I'm not quite sure yet, but something to achieve, succeed, be happy with things. Find myself, not be so confused all the time. No stress. Figure things out and what exactly do I want. Relationship.. that's what I want to straighten out first, because you know what, I hate being confused, what do boys have to be so confusing, and I hate having these types of feelings, its so horrible, because it just adds to all this confusion. I dont know what I want, who to be with, all that junk, sounds like a bitch. but I just dont want to worry. The thing is, I'm soo caught up with my emotions with Brad, that honestly, I dont want to see him with anyone, why do I keep holding on, right? thats the question. And then there's Mark, yeah, another guy I like. And maybe, nothing will happen again, and I do want to find out, but in some way, I honestly don't want anything to happen. I like him, but I'm just not ready for another relationship, my feelings with Brad screws everything, in a good and bad way. Maybe it's good to 'explore' and I've done that, but everything else just leads to him, because something just goes wrong, maybe its some stupid sign?  i dont knowwww

change.. all about change. i'll be back, in regards of THIS&THAT.

and the fact that I'm tired.

goodnight, school tomorrow, wish me luck

love, me

I'm feeling this: creative

3 weeks, with a whole lot of nothing. To tell the truth I haven't really been feeling much of a Christmas Mood, and I know I should, but I've been feeling like crap lately, like nothing, and it bothers me. Anyways.. I've done plenty. I'm so happy we're on vacation. geez, I've been waiting forever. And plus a New Year, yaay!

I went Xmas shopping already, but I'm still not done yet. past Birthday's -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLIFFORD! [19th] HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAY! [20th] Had a small party at Jay's, it was funnn. Had a movie night last night at Dianne's/Dj's and Nina flaked on us, cause she wanted to play volleyball, wuttta LOOOOOZER. hehe, just kidddding. We ate pizza and tried Dianne's dessert, a cheesecake with cranberry, it was GROSS! haha, just kidddding, muy deliciouso. it was funn too. I fell asleep towards the end of Van Helsing. Got to know a friend better. Mark is cool, haha. I've had a lot of late night and early morning  phone conversations. and I also met a new friend, Mike, who I call Tom, yeah he's a cool one too.

I also got to see Bradley, yeah, haven't seen him in a month, but did at Jay's bday. Things haven't been so great between us, lots of anger. hah, but hey it's okaay, it's been alright now, we're not angry friends.

Tomorrow is Xmas Eve, how wonderful. Then it'll be Xmas.. and then a New Year, thank God. 2005 will be full of change. Me changing. different, for the better. I dont want to waste time, I want to just get up and GO. Do better for myself. SUCK UP AND KEEP GOING I dont want to keep myself from something because of how i feel.

finish this later, i'm out driving.

peaceeee

I'm feeling this: irritated

Its been a damn while. okaaay, trying to make this sweet and short as possible.

• had my volleyball banquet already. season is over, what a poo. i think im gonna do badmitton next.
• school is okaay. its not the best.
• recently. i tried out for "Dracula" and got in. I'm not sure what part i'm gonna be in though.
• My Thanksgiving was really funnn. Ate a lot, and sang kareoke with my cousins. A Lot of family bonding. twas funn! I can't wait for Christmas. YAAAY!!

Nothing important is up. I'm just kinda bored with life. Unsatisfied, a little unhappy.

Friends.. its been weird lately. I don't know, some things are just different, but one particular person, is just always gonna have some buddy shit. and I dont know, it's nervewrecking. whatever. I'm over it. You dont see both sides to a story, you seem to think you're right, your attitude can be a bitch sometimes, hearing you complaining about things is really not what I want to hear. and sure, you have a lot of shit going on, but c'mon, everyone has shit going on, so dont think you're the only one. just deal with it, and shut up. We're all being a friend to you, you just brush everything off, like it's all okay. dont be like that. A friendship shouldn't need so much work if it's a "TRUE" type of friendship. it just shouldn't be like this. but I'm not gonna waste time trying to type out how I feel.

Cliffton pisses me off. Who the hell calls someone 11pm- i'm tired, restless, and there are only particular people I'd want to talk to at that time. Usually I'm just not in the mood to be talking to someone at that time. And sure I've missed a couple of his calls, but shit, I have a fucking life. And so what if I haven't called back, it doesnt have to mean anything. We're friends, but what does he fucking expect from me? -- So I tell him to call me back at 1130pm, cause I was gonna get ready for bed. And he calls back, I honestly didn't want to answer, so I just let it go. I wasn't in the mood to talk, he's not one of the particular friends that I would want to talk to because he's just not, nothing personal, its just how i feel. He calls back 3 times, and leaves a message. And I'm annoyed because honestly, I could've been fucking asleep, and hello, I didn't want to really deal with anything. I automatically know EXACTLY what the message will say. ANd I didn't want to hear it at all, but I listened to it anyways.. so I was proven right he says "I can tell you dont want to talk to me, and i'll just leave you alone.." all that bull to me was blah blah blah blah blah blah. I dont give a fuck. What makes him think he fucking KNOWS ME. common sense Cliffton, it's 1130pm, I hardly want to talk to anyone when I all i want to fucking do it sleep. shit. I dont really give a fuck what he thinks of me. I dont give a damn about fixing things, cause frankly I dont care. not that I dont care about him, but I just dont care about the situation period. Get a fucking clue, biiiiiitch, quit assuming you can tell how a person feels, whatever bull, assuming just makes an ass out of you and me. yeahh, you make it seem like I'm an ass. so FUCK YOU.

I can't believe some small situation really pisses/pissed me off I just soo ready to burst out in a rage and tell that mother fucker off. ANNOYING ANNOYING ANNOYING.  yeah, maybe it was wrong for me to not answer my phone, but then, telling him that I wanted to go to sleep, would probably give him a "feeling" that "i dont want to talk to him" obviously that's true, but not that I wouldn't want to talk to him at all. FUCK. FUCK HIM. dammit.

So anyways.. blah blah.. I'm feeling just realy messed up right now. Clearly unhappy with things. Gawd, I'm honestly wanting a get away. I want some type of happy feeling. Something to take my breath away, and make me genuinely happy. Doesnt have to be romantically, just something, anything. I'm just wanting more. I'm wanting out of this place. I want new things, new views, I'm so tired of the same shit. I want to go out more, be free, be with my friends, laugh a lot, have a good time. I haven't had those things. I want some wild night rendezvous with my close friends. I want a lot with my friends. I'm tired of family, honestly, my parents are just making me sick sometimes. Not exactly, but I'm just so sick of home, and being home, and doing no shit at all. I need friends to keep me company and happy. fuckkkkkk. Half the people I use to be close to, I'm not anymore. I have new friends, friends that I'm close to now, and my parents dont even know them. They swear like my old friends are always gonna be the people I'm close too. Things change, and only the real close friends are the ones that's gonna stay. But I'm happy with the new friends I'm close with. Even if my parents dont know them, eventually they will, because they know things that sometimes my other friends may not know first. ughhh. im suffocating and drowning in the same old shit. i've had enough of it.

I want to keep busy.

I HATE BEING SO FUCKING IRRITATED. AND UNHAPPY. AND ALL THESE SHITTY FEELINGS. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

WHAT A FUCKING MOOD SWING.

peace out bitches&hoes

FIRE PLACE

Crackles from an open fire
echoes through my ears
the sensation, such a warm feeling.
Take these thoughts drenched in my head
wrap them up and toss them in
burn the burned memories in my skin
and let them melt away.
Catch the constallations of the light
and what it makes
maybe a sign?
Kiss the lips, tender and soft
full of love & life
They make me nervous & anxious
I quiver in your touch
the way your arms hold me
the way your hands find so easily
to the softness of my skin
the scent of burning wood
seems soothing, or the smell of your hair
intense & wonderful
The flames catch my eye
it's enchanting
I'm almost in a trance
Believe the feeling of your interest
it intrigues me and leaves me wondering.
We play with ones fingertips
because we can't resist
And lay in stillness
of the fireplace.

I'm feeling this: exhausted
ready to jam?: The Get Up Kids - Reigns Go Loose

So I didnt think I would've been this busy...

I got my report card last week. 4.0-- surprised? VERY- and you should be. shit, I was. I highly doubt I'll be keeping my grades up though. Volleyball season is over. We had our last game on Thursday, against Coronado-- NEARLY WON. we were soo close. They won the first game, we won the 2nd.. and for the 3rd game, we were ahead, but they caught up. GAWD. what a close one... I can't remember if Varsity won though. hmmm, I think? no, wait, i dont think they did, but it was a good fight. It was a pretty good season, I find last years was better though. I hate big headed people, people who think they're the shit, ball hogs, and whatnot. they're lame and stupid, and SHE fucked up so many damn times-- I was kinda happy.....
[before leaving the gym, I end up seeing my 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Bernardy. WOW! I was soo surprised. Turns out her daughter is in the team too. Me and Lisa [her daughter] were friends when we met, but we never kept in touch. i wonder if she remembers me?? hmm, I do, cause I hardly forget people that I meet. heh strange, how I'm forgetful with basically EVERYTHING ELSE. yeah, just a funny coincidence]

This season had a buncha drama. More than last years. Coach is a good coach, but his method is weird. I hate how he always keeps the starting players, and leaves everyone else basically benched. GAY. OH WELL. I'm glad Coach G is coming back next year, so I'm staying on JV. I believe our volleyball banquet is gonna be on the 18th or 19th-- 19th i think, since its a friday. I'm excited.

School = stress. I hate it.

Friday-- I went shopping a bit, used my gift card. I still have 50$ in it. I bought a pair of pants and a nice jacket- i like i like. And they were on sale.. so that was goood. I still need to get shoes, but I just dont know what TO get.

Yesterday, Amber, Denise, Paul, Ryan and I went to watch The Incredibles it was a cute funny movie, I really liked it. We walked around, and I got a hotdog at Target. Ryan and I were attached to each other.. LITERALLY. Crossed a street, and almost got killed. Had a good time. =) We dropped off Paul at Jeff's, saw him, Brad, Jarel and Deeril. Dropped Ryan off as his house, who then went off with his friends to go see Underoath. We went back to Denise's house. but Amber had to go get picked up. I had like 9 missed calls, cause I completely forgot I had my phone on silent, and not on vibrate. Got calls from Amber's mom, and I hope she's not mad. ugh, I'm so stupiddd.. but Amber said she wasnt. okaaay. Then Denise and I go and watch Ju-on2- The Grudge2, japanese version, and we were huddled with each other, covering her face with a pillow and mine with my jacket. teehee. and her sister wanted us to turn off the lights.. HAH, is she crazzzzy?! When the movie was over, we played with PLAY-DOH, oh maan, it was soo cool, and took a picture of the star I made. hehe. Then mom picked me up. Thanks Denise for the day and ride =) i like hanging out with them. haha, it's always a good time.

Today, I guess I'm gonna stay home-- I need to clean my room. there's a spider crawling around, when I woke up it was on my ceiling right above my head... great. Brad called me. dammit, I was sleeping well too. gosh darn. I had spaghetti for breakfast. I have homework to do. I think my parents are gonna look for more stands. I hope I dont get too paranoid being home alone like last time.

this guy is cute. So i think I'm starting to like him. he's cool to hang out with. hah. yeahh.. boyssss dammit.

love, me

I'm feeling this: worried
ready to jam?: the TV outside & my computer running.

for the 19th: HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAY & CHELS!! =)
i still need to give them their shit. teehee. =D

ok soo. I'm not much in the mood for anything. but plain. I just finished watching Van Helsing good movie. its awesome & long.

Had a bad week, emotionally. blaah blah. i'm getting my period soon. i feel it dammit. Wednesday was raining like fucking crazzzy. geezus, non stoppp. there were floods around my school. lame. Afterschool, I took a ride with Kay. we couldn't find her mom, so we stood in the raining for awhile and walked around. good thing I had my umbrella. We stepped in allll sorts of puddles. So our socks and shoes were all soaking wet. And our feet were numb. our backpacks & papers were all wet. and yeah, we were just basically wet, not sexually [hardy harrr]. good thing we have each other. Fun Adventure =) haha. i love that girl. Anywhooo.. we finally find her mommy, and drop me home.
             Yesterday we had a game against Patrick Henry. we won, beat them both sets. so that was good. And I finally played so yaay! hah.

No, im not going to homecoming tonight, and obviously I didnt go to the game. Suppose to hang out with Amber today, but I dont know what's happening. She was suppose to call me, but I got nothing. ahhh, it's okay. Tomorrow me and my cousin plan to watch the Grudge.

Today we had a quiz for alg2, but I KNOW I failed.. i totaallllly failed, I know I did so bad. gawd, I'm mad at myself. and this week, we had a worldhis/geo. chapter test, that I HOPE I did fairly well in. *cross my fingers* thank god. Cota & Mehrdad have been absent.. or on campus but have meetings, Cota's substitute is nice. He seems like a preppy laid back listens to indie/emo, wears like kinda vintage? old sweaters, and he has preppy hair. it's coool. I dont talk to him, but he just seems nice. And he's not all snobby and bossy and uptight &shit. And for Mehrdad-- gawwwd, any teacher is honestly better than her. Mr. G. geezus, we understand him, he explains things well, and we get more work done than with our regular teacher. ughh, I wish we had him instead. cause damn, I'm fed up with Mrs. Mehrdad AND her accent-- and I dont even understand her grading and stuff. anywaysss... I know for sure I have 2 A's in my progress report-- English and Alg2. ahh I hope my grades turn out well.. i've been getting stress pimples for petesake.

on a NON school related thing-- I miss having a boyfriend. geez, I do. I hate the whole process of waiting for someone for that something to happen. and even waiting for ANYONE that is atleast half interesing to me and half interested IN me. ugh, and Brad.. there's something that still clings us to each other, whether it's being sweet or wanting to kill each other. I dont know what it is. I mean, yeah I'm at the point where it's not that I CANT but Im CHOOSING not to. As in, yeah I could totally be over him, and I know I am, I know I could NOT like him, and I know I could go and be interested in someone else. But sometimes I dont want to be, I choose not to be over him, I choose to still like him. It's not like I'm actually LOOKING for someone else and whatnot. I like him and sometimes I dont. I love him and sometimes I don't.

but who am I to be talking about this as if we'll end up together. To me, he's like everything. He can be my worst enemy or my best friend - as the saying goes- he can be my love, my friend, motivation, inspiration, and whatnot. And to me, he's good enough. But I think, or I know and I probably am, funny to say, just an option to him. A 'good' friend but just another girl for him to choose to like or be interested in or whatever. Prove me wrong. I'm just an option in his world. some idealistic girl he just chooses to like or not. It hurts, because I do still have feelings. it sucks that he may not. i can't force him to do anything, besides the fact that he's ALSO very stubborn and doesnt seem to listen CAREFULLY. -- meaning with A LOT OF CARE. And I give in easily. yes, I'll admit that. He's one of those "can't live with him, can't live without him" guys-- But because I would still like to be with him-- in time. because I havent yet found "the someone-else-better" that all your friends say after breakups. but if we both find people we get interested in, but stop because of EACH other.. does it mean something?

im so lost.

love, me

way to end an entry right?

HAH

I'm feeling this: terrible&moody&stressed
ready to jam?: switchfoot - dare you to move

Last week was last week. Had 2 games. both home. both lost. its sad. Saw John and Brad, missed him. Saw my buddy Aaron, missed him too, and gave him a ride home.

My weekend was alright. stay home Friday. Saturday, home alone, Brad visited, love[d] him. Later that night, picked up Dianne, and went to my cousins Autumn Party. Ate food, talked, watched Saved, goood movie, and part of 16 Candles -never gets olddd. Sunday, stayed home for the most part. late afternoon, my mom and I went to Walmart to get the Aladdin dvd, but it was too expensive, so we're probably gonna get it at exchange, can't wait until we do, i love that movie.So, I got 3 bras [one white, one purple, one black], [hot] pink nail polish, and concealer [mini]. on the way home, I got a happy meal =) and got a doll as a toy. it scares me. its the one where when you lay it down, the eyelids close. FREAKY SHIT.

TODAAYYY.. someones birthdaaay.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRADLEY!!

he's an olddd fart. 17 dammit. iloveyou =). I hope he has a good birthday.

for my Monday. it was bad. terrrrible man terrrrible! It was rainnny, and cold -- but i like the weather, gets me in the mood to write, inspirational weather. So I woke up this morning at 330am. And felt like throwing up. gawdd, i felt so sick to my bones. I ran to the sink, and started spitting a lot, and gagging. I would've thrown up, if there was anything TO throw up. my stomache hurt like a bitch. I peed, and went back to bed, tried to sleep it off by being in an upright position. it worked for the most part. Woke up at 550am, by Bradley's morning call, thanks you babe, and wished him a happpy birthday. lunch was gay, and practice was gay. thats what pretty much made it bad. oh well.

im moody and grumpy right now. I have homework, and I need to study.

tomorrow is Kay's and Chels' birthday.. yaay! i wonder what to get themm..

love the bitch
xoxo

I'm feeling this: cynical
ready to jam?: Postal Service - Nothing better

NOT AGAIN

"will someone please call a surgeon
who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart.
that you're deserting for better company?
i can't except that it's over"

How gay. I feel used, and I was deceived. I hate that. oh well. it was a bit of fun while it lasted. HAH. this week was strange_weird. We had one game this week. on Thursday against OLP [ our lady of peace ] And well, we all lost. It's okay though. We didnt have practice yesterday because Varsity had a tournament. I guess this week, lets just put it in a way that doesnt seem so bad, I atleast got a better friendship with someone? or I've gained a better friendship? Something like that. Not so good of a week if you ask me. I need to make new friends.. boys are losers =).. haha, noo, I've just had bad luck with them. something wrong always happens. oh well. JINXED is probably one word to explain it. I should just stay fixated [sp?] on school, and goals, other priorities. and not worry so much. i'll have the GUY come chasing after me. good plan right? just make new friends-- i'll keep that one as a goal.

okay. so today was kinda boring. went to this Gentri Club fiesta at Pepper Park. Atleast I saw Tae Bam and Ate Afril. So I wasnt lonely at being bored. it was cold. and there was sun.. but later in the day it went away. Ate a lot of food, i felt like my stomache was gonna explode.. yummmy. I need to cut my bangs, they're getting long, and it keeps poking my eyes. Maybe i need to just cut my hair all together-- naaaah. So anyways.. I saw a lot of aunties and uncles that I havent seen for awhile. and baby KAYLA.. maan, she's soooo fat_chubby and CUTEE!

I've written a couple poems, I like them, I dont exactly favor them, and I kinda plan to rewrite them, but yeah. I feel kinda artsy. I want to paint, but I dont have any. I want to draw-- but my mind is blanked out with ideas.. maybe I'll just scribble down. I have some crayons.. and abstract is ALWAYS nice. And I plan to write more. I neeeed to, I've had my writers block, and I'm in the need for more writing, more inspiration. More words, I have a lot to learn. I'm on my new book. Finished The Night I Disappeared, it's a good book. This current one I'm reading is called Raptor about a rapist who finds women who are beautiful physically, and watches them, stalks them. knows their every move. and when the time is right, he sneeks in and rapes them. its pretty crazzy. I dont think I've EVER REALLLY been this interested in books. I mean, I've always known it's good to read.. but I've never read an amount of 3 books in a matter of 1 month. i'm pretty proud of myself and how much I've accomplished with it. I find reading PLEASURE now, i mean GOOD PLEASURE. And the phase I went through with "enjoying" homework. I'm pretty much over it. Because it's all sinking in... the stress, the madness.. I HATE IT NOW.

I was reading in a magazine about what happens with you're sleep deprived--
*you feel stressed
*you get angry easily
*you can't concentrate as well in school
*you're more prone to depression & anxiety

I find all those things-- well, ME. Which is pretty bad. I know I go to bed late, and I hate waking up at 6-630am I'm soo grumpy. And lack of sleep is probably why I'm like that.. with my emotions, stress, irritation, sadness.. and I seem to have to FORCE myself, my body to keep active and keep going during class. I feel as if, if  I didnt try as hard as I do, I'd probably collapse and fall asleep in the middle of class.. My brain doesn't function. I dont know. It sucks. My body is exhausted, and so is my head. And when I get home, I'm tired enough from volleyball practice. And I'm pretty upset with it currently, because of teamwork/playing matters when it comes to games. I hate how the coach is. He doesnt really let other team members play. He keeps in all the starting players ALL THE FUCKING TIME, and he has like 7 girls benched, and 2 of them switch w/ the other starting players as hitters, and so 5 girls, including me RARELY get to play, and he puts us in when he KNOWS we're winning, or towards the end of the game, so basically we DONT play. And I'm really fucking pissed about it. Because we alll always show up to practice, and play JUST as good as any of the starting players-- its not like because they're starting players they're SO MUCH BETTEr, and THEY'RE SOO ALL THAT, and they're NOT. its fucked up. Sometimes I think it's a waste to go to games because he hardly puts us in, and its a waste to go to practice, because we practice for nothing, okay, maybe not nothing, but come on now. be fair. One of our starting players couldn't play because she had an injury. and no offense, but I liked it sooo much better when she didnt play. I became one of the starting players, i switched with Dee when I got to the front. Kay was put in for Chels in the back.. Ally and Myra we also substitued in. and EVERYONE got a chance to play. it was fair, and we knew WHEN to sub. so we werent confused and we knew where to go. and now that the starting player is back, everything is back to normal, where no one else gets to play. FUCKED UP SHIT. i hate it. i honestly do.

finished with my weekly bitching. but hey, it's at the point where, it doesnt really bother me anymore, cause I dont expect to play. rawrrr. bitch. I think I'm gonna paint my finger nails green...

... I have homework. I think I'll start to do that. And I hope tomorrow me and Frankie get to hang out. I Love My Best Friend.. I talked to Ivane last night. I miss her, I love her tooo.. I wish her and Mel were here.. i dont talk to Mel at all anymore. I'm guessing she's probably changed. I wish they were all back here.. I wish things were the way they were before. I'd be pleased with our friendship. I want to all be the best friends again.. the best friends we were back in Elementary. doesnt it suck when things change? =/ enough ramblings.

where's my dumb Bradley? I havent talked to him in 2 days and I havent seen him in a week. I hope he gets to see the volleyball game. And Aaron that mofo better go because I miss his bisexual ass. hahah =) I heart him, and our 3am conversations. yesss yess yess.

peace out bitches

love, me

I'm feeling this: pathetic
ready to jam?: Rilo Kiley - Portions for Foxes

IGNORE HIM, HE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Last week was good. I think. Monday, Tueday and Thursday we had volleyball games. And school is of course the same as always. Friday, I hung out with my sissy Jazmo. I call Brad to take us to Angel's house to watch their band practice. So we didnt have to walk. Saw Allana and Rachel and their friend. and Aaron, and their other friend. yadda yadda... so I saw Brad... and i got ignored-- I dont care. a semi ruined, not ruined night. I wasnt in the mood very much in that stupid car with his friends. whatever bullshit. there was a hang out at Partemio's house-- Jas left early for that, and i left for it a while later. I got too emotional. Thank you so much, that sweet heart Phillip, for walking with me, and talking. I needed it, a lot, thanks for the cheering up =) something I thought I'd atleast get from HIM.. once a jerk always a jerk. pshh. Anyways.. got to Partemio's house. Saw a lot of my old friends. MATT! I missed that guy man! And i gave him his birthday present, which he was very surprised with.. i'm a tricky little girl =) I saw Arthur, Reina, my lovely Broham PHIL, thank you for the talk =), Lester.. and more.. people I havent talked to in a while, it was cool. Jas and I ran back to her house... ate at her house, talked, it was nice. I miss hanging out with Jazmo. I love you sistar.. I went home at nine. I talked to Phillip the rest of the night. nice talking. He's my new friend =) then, I finally crashed in bed by 12am.

Saturday, I woke up at 6am-- dammit, I dont even wake up that early for school-- we had a VB Tournament at San Diego High School. So I got ready. We met at Morse. Left... the day was very eventful and funnn. We took 2nd place and Freshman took 1st place... yippy skippy! Dammit, Clairemont got 1st place, we should've beat them. but its alllll good. Came home by 4 or 5pm... I was pretty much knocked out.

Sunday, my morning started out with talking to Bradley, and waking up Phillip. =) So had the talk with bradley.. and blah blah. I slept most of the day. Brunch-- my mom and I went to Denny's to eat. It was yummmy, I was full as helll.. Talked to Vance that night-- surprising-- A lot of things I thought, were proven wrong. hah. Nice talking to him =) he's a cool fool. by 9pn, I finally started on homework. I figured I didnt have enough time to read 4 chapters of To Kill a Mockingbird, so I went to sparknotes.com and looked up cliff notes on the chapters I was suppose to read. Got in bed my 1130pm.

This morning.. turns out we didnt even get that quiz for TKAM. So it really would've been a waste to take my time to read those 4 chapters.. I'm glad I read the cliff notes though. it gave me a really good brief summary. I felt like I was cheating though. HAH. okaay. so rest of the day was alright. I have a chapter test tomorrow for Alg. 2.... VB practice was nothing. Coach Stan wasn't even there. So Kris just told us to play games against each other. It was funn. Paul stayed for practice. It ended at 3pm. So I hung out with Paul for awhile... We went to Jeff and Jarel at RO... Jarel and I just sat down, He was lying on me, while I played with his SHORT SHORT SHORT hair. and found 5 white hairs. teehee. And we sang to Hands Down, cuteee. Haha. so we talked for a bit.. it was pretty hot outside. left around 4pm.. I got to see Ariane and Mayette before I left-- I misss themmm =) we need to hang out. and now im home doing this..

I need to study... quiz for chem and chap test for alg 2. great.. and I should get started on reading...

love, me

i could form a crush. there could be a potential crush. but naaaahhh
=)
i dont know. i feel pathetic.
you make my stomache sink
but then, so do a lot of people, and being nervous does that too
so it must be normal for me.
im just blabbing on
forgive me.
but yeah, a crush, i feel dumb for thinking about it.